When I was 14, a guy pressed against me and started rubbing his erection. I was bewildered. stunned. frightened. frozen. Yet I opened my mouth to fight for me. And guess what? People in the bus didn’t react much. They thought I’m crazy and asked me to calm down. Calm down?? !!!? They reacted as if this is something which is normal. I was so angry that I got down from the bus and walked around 4 kms home..
Later I spoke to few friends of what happened and they used the same word “normal” to describe men masturbating in public. But I don’t understand this one… How come they can?
So I took this to family and can you guess their reaction? Not the supportive one.. As a typical South Indian family, the responses I got were: I was blamed, and asked: “What were you wearing?”, as if I triggered that incident? What, was I walking naked? Urgh!
The same questions repeated when I tried complaining about my uncle and brother who misbehaved… “What were you wearing?”, “Where were you standing?”, “What place were you, standing or sitting and how?”.. Hmmmmm.. I have wondered once, whether my family have lost their senses. But no. It was I who have lost my sense.
So what am I gonna do? I think all these questions and comments changed me.. I have gone so neglectful.. The fact is that recently in this week, I saw a man who just happened to be satisfying himself in the street.. I think he might have misunderstood the roadside for his bedroom. But then, he was in his senses.. He covered his face with a helmet and happened to masturbate.. It’s not like I bumped him pleasuring himself. I was waiting there for friend. This man crossed me in his bike and took a U-turn as the road was filled with water. I thought since he can’t drive in water, I thought he is gonna take alternate route. But NO. He stopped his vehicle just few feet away from me. At first I didn’t notice. Then I heard some sound and looked up to see what that was.. And there he was with his penis out and he was staring at me intently. I felt SICK.. Sigh…
But to the worst of everything, this has happened already… many times… In the past, may be 3 or 4 yrs ago, I met a guy in Bangalore wanking in the road looking at me.. To my horror, I started laughing at him hysterically 🙂 I threw a nasty look at him and told, I wasn’t intimidated… I kinda pointed that man to other persons in the street… HA! LOOK AT THIS MAN..MISTAKING STREETS TO HIS BEDROOM… was what I told them.. He left with some unrecognizable reaction in his face… But now, I didn’t intervene, I looked away and left the place.. It made me so uncomfortable…I felt so different… This incident affected me so much..
This man took away my freedom and I’ve become so nervous to walk alone anywhere, anytime. I’ve become uneasy with men.. I’m unable to bring conversations with the men I know… ‘m not comfortable in a male company in the place I work… I’ve become an unknown person to myself… I try to be normal with people I know but I’m lacking something.. My confidence is lost..
Because I was constantly reminded that I shouldn’t expect any help from anyone, because this is how things are supposed to be… Still I am ashamed of myself for excusing myself from that place… Isn’t this time to stand for our rights? Apart from masturbation in public is against our culture, isn’t that telling the male perpetrators that they can do this without a hunch of hurting others, making others uncomfortable and afraid to be out in the streets.
Though after analyzing my feelings, now I’m in search of my lost confidence.. I’ve decided that I will never allow any man to make me feel this way.. Now I feel slightly okay.. better… So the conclusion is this man or his penis cannot take who I am as a person 🙂
I’ve come to right decision.. isn’t it?