Stress is something to be avoided since it is the enemy for us naturally. But I like being stressed not literally but I like to be engaged with something, some thoughts often. So finally thinking something usually ends with so much stress for me. I consider many obsessions like my studies, future, job, poems, articles, whether I will get through interviews, whether I will publish my book, and the list goes on and on and on.
As a young child, we saw adults as very unpredictable, so we began to trust the little voice in our head more than anyone else. I was the same when I was young. Even my parents who loved me couldn’t be completely trusted because they would also punish if I did something wrong. Maybe that’s because I got blamed and punished for what my sissy did, and concluded that I couldn’t trust mom or dad with the truth. The voice in my head was the guide to emotional safety in a world of bigger people who had the power to punish and take away my rewards.
I created that Voice in my Head by building memory with rules. I invested a lot of faith in the Voice as something I could trust in an uncertain world. It became like a Guardian Angel speaking to me in my mind telling me what to do and what not to. I gave it great authority and power over my choices and trusted it to be right always.
After sometime, the voice started growing and started advising by looking deeper in to my past and saying “should have done” or “should have not”. I would work hard at something but no one would notice and no one would reward me for that. At the same time I might feel a fear or nervousness that someone would do something against me if I didn’t please them. Wondering about what other people think of me is a clue to these past patterns. I am trying to please others with the rules of “should” from the past. And now when I turn back to look at my past all I see is someone else and not ME!!!